Standing Out Like A Sore Thumb

I slammed the drawer into my own thumb yesterday. I can still feel the effect of the sore. It reminded me of the adage, "standing out like a sore thumb". Right now, that is what I am exactly.

I stand out like a sore thumb. I was hit in my heart yesterday by someone dear. Well, nothing of that person's fault, in fact I am thankful that I was shaken up. Just confirmed one of the 2 greatest fear in my heart right now - I am turning into a monster.

I have turned so unpleasant I am afraid of even thinking about what I have become. I drive people away from me. My world turned so puny, I hardly spent time with anyone anymore. When friends saw me the only things they probably heard from my mouth were unhappy things. I complained so much I became disgusted with myself. And I did not stop there. I went on. I resented myself, but I was so trapped in that cycle that it began to eat into my relationships. That's when I drove people away from me.

As I became more occupied with work, and friends became busier, I had less time and opportunities to let my hair down. I had nowhere and did not know who to turn to, and I did not know what to do. That really did it.

I am tired of defending myself, trying to explain why I have been away. Can someone do the defending for me please?

With my family away, it became even harder. Matthias was the light that I could come back to each day, because I know that he loves me without malice, no strings attached. But he went away too. The source of my entertainment went away. I remembered how to be cheeky because of that cutie.

I tried so hard to make people understand me that I forgot how to be myself - the fun person, and turned into a monster.

I'll change jobs, when I return from YWAM. I figured events is not my cup of tea afterall. I enjoy people, not paperwork and datelines. I do understand about quotas and datelines, but some things I need to have - public holidays because that's the only time I have with my loved ones, interaction with people more than with the computer and the paper, respect for personal time & understanding datelines. The lack of these essential things have robbed me of me and helped me allow selfishness to take over. I don't want my funeral to be only attended by my family & close relatives.

I want to celebrate my life, each part of it, especially the ones with victories.

I am so sorry I have turned sour and unpleasant. I will change, go back to my fun self, just let me sort out the work issue, because that is the MAIN issue now. Also pray with me, so that my heart issues be settled, and that God remains the love of my life. Pray that I will hunger God more each day, and I will not be afraid of letting go.

Some practical ways that I thought would help me be sane again:
- Go back to Youth CG (they keep me down to earth, and helps me be silly). On hindsight, I wouldn't have been so silly if it were not for youths!
- Spend time with different groups of friends so that i don't develop pity-parties anymore
- Spend time with Abba
- Make conscious effort to thank God for people, things & circumstances in my life everyday
- Forgive & give grace
- Be more flexible with time spent at work, but guard my personal time well
- Make myself the joke again, I need to be less serious & more fun



let me know if you have somemore,
gracey