The past week has been eventful. That might probably even be an understatement. My life is colourful but it should slow down NOW. Coming to KL has meant that my life gets reactivated again. I don't know how to rest, and I always look for things to do EXCEPT to spend time with Daddy.
I am disappointed with myself, after all that I've been through, here am I, repeating what was before. I have noone to blame but myself. And yet I cannot but wonder why is it so hard to run the race here? God is the same, but my circumstances and surroundings have changed.
Is this what I came back for? I am not complaining, because I understand God's Sovereignty, yet I cannot but wonder aloud. I long for openness and humility in friendships here, but it just have not happened. Sometimes I get upset with myself because I look back to YWAM and talk about how great it was, how open we were with our lives, so on and so forth and don't see such openness here. Are these all that they pre-empted us with? That we will need to face these things alone, without any support structure that we have had for 6 months there? Then aren't they setting some of us up to fail?
I live in my friends' house, yet I hide myself in the room all the time, not knowing what I can and cannot say and wanting to give them space for each other. I feel awkward, but thankful that they opened up the house for me to live in. I have a mixture of feelings.
What am I living for? What am I willing to die for? What have You called me home for? Am I making the best of my time? What is my life for? God, I realise that I need to come back to these questions so often because on the days I am low, I have no answers or sometimes, have a very blurred vision of my life.
I need You in my life, I am nothing without You. You define me, and give worth to my inner being. Forgive me for flipping back and forth and not fighting to stand, but I really can't do it on my own. Can You maybe bring Kim and I closer to each other although sometimes it does feel that it may never be? At least I know when we talk, she doesn't come from a place of pride, but of the same brokenness of Spirit? When can we meet again? When can I travel again?
gracey
I am disappointed with myself, after all that I've been through, here am I, repeating what was before. I have noone to blame but myself. And yet I cannot but wonder why is it so hard to run the race here? God is the same, but my circumstances and surroundings have changed.
Is this what I came back for? I am not complaining, because I understand God's Sovereignty, yet I cannot but wonder aloud. I long for openness and humility in friendships here, but it just have not happened. Sometimes I get upset with myself because I look back to YWAM and talk about how great it was, how open we were with our lives, so on and so forth and don't see such openness here. Are these all that they pre-empted us with? That we will need to face these things alone, without any support structure that we have had for 6 months there? Then aren't they setting some of us up to fail?
I live in my friends' house, yet I hide myself in the room all the time, not knowing what I can and cannot say and wanting to give them space for each other. I feel awkward, but thankful that they opened up the house for me to live in. I have a mixture of feelings.
What am I living for? What am I willing to die for? What have You called me home for? Am I making the best of my time? What is my life for? God, I realise that I need to come back to these questions so often because on the days I am low, I have no answers or sometimes, have a very blurred vision of my life.
I need You in my life, I am nothing without You. You define me, and give worth to my inner being. Forgive me for flipping back and forth and not fighting to stand, but I really can't do it on my own. Can You maybe bring Kim and I closer to each other although sometimes it does feel that it may never be? At least I know when we talk, she doesn't come from a place of pride, but of the same brokenness of Spirit? When can we meet again? When can I travel again?
gracey
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