I was on my bed, trying hard to sleep. It was already 1.30 am I would think, since it was already sometime when I turned off the lights. I heard some rustling sound outside, and plagued with old memories of a thief trying to enter my room, I feared for the worst. I thought someone was trying to break into my parents’ room. And my imagination ran wild. I was so afraid I would wake up to my parents’ murder.
Little did I know what that sound would lead to. Obviously one of the things it led me to was the fact that I didn’t fall asleep until maybe close to 2 am or later. I don’t understand why what went through my mind went through my mind. It was horrid. I was afraid, so extremely terrified.
The horrid images (imagined) of my parents’ murder led to their funeral and all the people who would come. Seeing 2 coffins side by side was unimaginable. I was crying. Suddenly it dawned on me how difficult it would be for me to live alone in this world.
My parents have become my biggest supporters through the years. They supported and helped wherever they could, and I realised last night that my life is so dependent on their help and advises and encouragement that I cannot imagine life without them. The thought of my childhood house empty without their presence was daunting, and scary.
I began to understand why my mom is so adamant in wanting me to find a companion. Maybe part of the reason is because she realises that her time on earth is not long, and she cannot take care of me forever. My sister lives with her family overseas, and my brother is married too, where as I am the only one still unattached.
In that time of imagining all these things, I was searching for someone who would stand by my side, walking me through this time of demise and loss, but found none. I was scared, and had no idea how to continue living alone. True, I have godparents but coming home to this empty house may not be what I want to do when they’re not around anymore.
I am the only one at home now, and in their murder I needed to make a police report, arrange for the coffins, call relatives to inform them, settle my parents’ finances and everything else that comes with death. I felt even lonelier. All I did was cry, everyone whom I knew who came to help or provide comfort would see me crying profusely. I was lonely and didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t even know where to put God in this picture. I have been saying or hear people say that God will be with those who mourn, but honestly right now, feeling so lonely and alone, where would that take my faith? Do not misunderstand me; I do not doubt that God will be there, but where exactly? I guess I will only know this when it really happens. God hurts when His people hurt.
I guess this is like the worst case scenario. It might be more bearable if I was married and have children of my own but really no one knows what the future is like. Yes, I have siblings but they’re all far away and have already built lives of their own. My parents are young no more. That full blown imagination helped me empathise and understand young orphans more. Even if we have friends to go through this with, it’s not a situation where it’s only at the funeral that we mourn. This mourning goes on for some time, until at one point we are able to remember only good memories. The yearning though, will not fade nor wane for a long long time.
I remember Jolene saying that the reason why she wants to have more children is so that they can go through life together when both her and Kevin are not around anymore. I think about my friends who have lost both parents at a very young age and have to fend for themselves in this world alone. One is a single child and the other has a sister. I have never fully understood the pain and loneliness they must have felt and still feel sometimes, but I guess now I understand a fraction of their pain.
It must be hard to the point of anguish to be alone and feeling lonely. C and J, I understand a little bit more now, although my parents are still around. I have no comforting words to say, I don’t know what to say except that I cherish both of you very much, and want you to know that I deeply love both of you even if I may not express myself that way often.
God must have felt extreme pain when He sent Jesus to a mission that He knew would bring physical pain to Him. And I wept to sleep last night, at the thought of my parents’ death.
More children people, otherwise, none at all. And please, teach them to love each other like my dad did, because they’ll only have each other when their parents are already gone. Seeing siblings fighting over money and properties really saddens me.
gracey
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