I was thinking on my bed last night, just as I was about to doze off, that I have a problem of committing to a relationship. It's not that I am fickle minded, but after a few failed attempts, I guess I unknowingly put on layer after layer of fear. The fear of being hurt again, because it's not fun going through a heartache. And maybe that is why I am still unattached today. Or maybe it's the guys. Or maybe it's because I am not the typical girly and everything ok girl. *thinking, thinking*
Okay, this was all triggered through an sms conversation with an old friend who asked me to 'sek chou' (pandai-pandai/know what to do) if I like a guy because guys will be intimidated by my outgoing personality. Naturally, I told him guys around my age need to grow up and all, but somehow this thought of commitment just came to mind. I guess you could call it God's revelation.
Of course I do know of a few great guys who are interested, okay, maybe one. LOL. Anyway, usually it's because I fear 'what if this fails again'?. The thought hangs at the back of my mind but of course I don't acknowledge that thought at that point of time. What if I allow myself to be vulnerable and then the 2 of us changed? What if he changed? What if I did? I don't like hurting people deliberately. That is why it is hard for me to say yes.
Therefore, year after year I go through the same motions of seeing my friends getting hooked up, but it was never my turn. It's not that I am not happy where I am now, I really am enjoying all that life can be at 22, but I cannot run away from these matters, it's about us humans anyway. Besides, people do ask these questions. It's Asia.
And so I guess God needs to heal that side of me, being able to trust that fully again. Mind you, trusting friends I have no problems, but this is a HUMUNGOUS leap of faith. So guys, if you're wondering, this is an honest answer from me. So much so that I have revealed some very secret part of my life, something that none of my family members know about. Che, don't kill me or ask me anything more or tell mommy and daddy about this ok? Personal, personal stuff.
And this is post #200. A little more than 1 month to my blogging at Blogspot's 1st Anniversary. =)
same yet different,
gracey
Okay, this was all triggered through an sms conversation with an old friend who asked me to 'sek chou' (pandai-pandai/know what to do) if I like a guy because guys will be intimidated by my outgoing personality. Naturally, I told him guys around my age need to grow up and all, but somehow this thought of commitment just came to mind. I guess you could call it God's revelation.
Of course I do know of a few great guys who are interested, okay, maybe one. LOL. Anyway, usually it's because I fear 'what if this fails again'?. The thought hangs at the back of my mind but of course I don't acknowledge that thought at that point of time. What if I allow myself to be vulnerable and then the 2 of us changed? What if he changed? What if I did? I don't like hurting people deliberately. That is why it is hard for me to say yes.
Therefore, year after year I go through the same motions of seeing my friends getting hooked up, but it was never my turn. It's not that I am not happy where I am now, I really am enjoying all that life can be at 22, but I cannot run away from these matters, it's about us humans anyway. Besides, people do ask these questions. It's Asia.
And so I guess God needs to heal that side of me, being able to trust that fully again. Mind you, trusting friends I have no problems, but this is a HUMUNGOUS leap of faith. So guys, if you're wondering, this is an honest answer from me. So much so that I have revealed some very secret part of my life, something that none of my family members know about. Che, don't kill me or ask me anything more or tell mommy and daddy about this ok? Personal, personal stuff.
And this is post #200. A little more than 1 month to my blogging at Blogspot's 1st Anniversary. =)
same yet different,
gracey
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