Why does it always seem to me that others are more obedient than I? Am I really that difficult, Lord? Sigh, the walk of the ups and downs. I don't like me already 90% of the time, do I need to add more to that? When will this struggle of acceptance, FULL acceptance be completed I wonder? Forever? What am I associating what I hear with? This is ridiculous!
Withdrawing seems like a gReat idea now. Seriously...sigh. The challenges of trusting God completely what He is doing. Dig deep, getting deeper and I don't like it. I don't like the trash inside, but it's not being helped with being corrected as often as I get it now. I feel so stupid, being treated like a child, as if I have not eaten more salt. I have, and stop nagging at me. Don't pre-judge me and start preaching to me and tell me not to judge others. Wonderful if I could actually say that aloud without feeling all crappy after, right?
What happened to free expression of feelings? Arghh...I don't like this monster that I see. When will I ever get it and feel fully secure without feeling rejected and condemned? I HATE THIS THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME! And I don't feel safe telling anyone how I feel exactly. How now? This sometimes reminds me of Isaac struggling with God in the bush until He had His blessings, not that I will ever get blessings for wanting to commit murder myself - blame it on the prison. Fighting the tiger in me.
Cryptic is what I wish this remains - may sound/read obvious but cryptic is the word for most of my blogs. Dang it. I just wanna be real and grow to be more like Jesus doing it. Leave me alone you demons.
Withdrawing seems like a gReat idea now. Seriously...sigh. The challenges of trusting God completely what He is doing. Dig deep, getting deeper and I don't like it. I don't like the trash inside, but it's not being helped with being corrected as often as I get it now. I feel so stupid, being treated like a child, as if I have not eaten more salt. I have, and stop nagging at me. Don't pre-judge me and start preaching to me and tell me not to judge others. Wonderful if I could actually say that aloud without feeling all crappy after, right?
What happened to free expression of feelings? Arghh...I don't like this monster that I see. When will I ever get it and feel fully secure without feeling rejected and condemned? I HATE THIS THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME! And I don't feel safe telling anyone how I feel exactly. How now? This sometimes reminds me of Isaac struggling with God in the bush until He had His blessings, not that I will ever get blessings for wanting to commit murder myself - blame it on the prison. Fighting the tiger in me.
Cryptic is what I wish this remains - may sound/read obvious but cryptic is the word for most of my blogs. Dang it. I just wanna be real and grow to be more like Jesus doing it. Leave me alone you demons.
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