It started with a big bang, on my heart. I was wounded, but I can still say it was a good wound that created a question that I need to confront with anyway. God has His ways of speaking to me. He needs to SHOUT before I hear Him. My ears are sometimes very deaf. So that was Him, shouting at me. I cried my eyeballs out. Hadn't cried like a baby for some time. Maybe since last year? Can't remember when I did last. It was all on my face as I walked out of the pantry, oh well.
And then the day started picking up.
I have had 5 very meaningful and good conversations today. They were all about friendships. God knew I needed meaningful conversations today. I realised how much I have missed having guy friends because I grew up playing with Vic's friends and had more guy than girls friends in high school. Yes, I enjoy hanging with guys a lot. It definitely looks different nowadays, but it is still true.
Like ones where I can just be myself and banter all day and have deep conversations about life with and still feel absolutely normal without thinking or leading them to think that I might have other agendas. Because, I really don't. We are just too self-conscious people. So self-aware I abhor it. It does not need to be about 'that' all the time. Not anytime. Why can't we just be friends, and aspire to build many of them before thinking about someone else being a potential case scenario?
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get anymore real guy friends besides the married ones or not. Or besides the older ones. Hahaha...because they seem to be the ones most approachable and fun and real. And the rest, they think too much or read too much into my friendliness. I cannot be too friendly because I might come across too eager. Sigh. What has the world become? I don't care about having a relationship with you if I am not even your friend!
So Ivan Tan, thank you so so so much for being a friend from halfway across the world. It's true we are literally worlds apart, but our many conversations on Skype have given me some hope that I can still have good guy friends, no matter how far apart we are. I feel so good that I can rattle about my day to you without qualms - even when you are busy working. I love the fact that my opinions matter to you too. Orange Hyundai. ;) Jyh Shyn, Mike and Andrea, I really miss you 3 so much. All the crap that you come out with is quite the class. ;) You are quite a bunch.
And to the rest of the men in my life, the old and the new, thank you for your friendships. If we are not friends yet, can you just give yourself a chance and me too so that we can be real friends? :) Just friends. Just friends. Thank You Lord for the many positive men influence in my life. :)
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