Weekly reporting.
It has been a deeply challenging week. I have had my share of meaningful chats, difficult chats, confrontations and humbling moments. I am grateful God disciplines me, but sometimes my pride gets bruised so I turn my ungrateful side towards Him. My back faces Him, sometimes. Lord, forgive this girl who forgets so often even though she is reminded daily of your grace to her by giving her the same name.
"Why didn't you say something?". WHY? That was such a good question posted to me mid-week in the kitchen. I did not have an answer, I could not gather an answer, because God is teaching me what it means to lay down self-defence in a deeper level. Hear me out, I seldom defend myself when confronted, often, I just take on responsibility even when the odds are stacked against me heavily and it was not really my fault.
The question I ask myself then is, "How do I say something without blame shifting?". At the end of the day, what was expected was not met, and I was the overall in charge or I was expected to teach someone else what I knew, and even though I trusted someone else to do a job well, it wasn't, and I did not check on it. It does not matter how trustworthy the other person is. Bottom line was, the job was not done up to expectations. Sigh. And so I sucked it up and apologised for my lack. And I had to do it again this weekend. I guess we continue making mistakes, don't we?
And then I was reminded again today of my core values. Values that I have held on to and sometimes carelessly neglect. Nothing should come between the most important things in life. God is in the business of shaking away things that do not last, and keeping only things that matter to Him, and to us in our lives. Material possessions, money, friends, family, power and position are things that do not last. Yes, friends and family too. Friends and family are very important to me, don't get me wrong. But if one day I am stripped of everything, what would I have left? Just my relationship with my God. Even friends and family may walk away from me.
I live in a season where relationships take the centre stage mostly, and more often than not it is difficult to say no. Relationships are important because God changes and challenges my character through these relationships yet I know what really lasts is my relationship with Him alone. And I don't give as much time to Him as I do others. I wonder what He thinks of that. This is such a sticky topic to publish on the web, evidently because it is about people.
This is when I want to hide in my cocoon, and so I am grateful for the room to myself for 2 more weeks before my roomie returns to her abbot.
Putting all serious mood away, I made progress with parties yesterday since stepping foot in Perth 4 years ago. I was almost a party crawler - 2 parties. And then a bridal shower today. I was not exactly enthusiastic about going to Phil's goodbye party by myself but went only because there were some friends who came to get me and Philippe is going away. He's a friend, so I sucked it up and showed my face. And then we moved on to another party at the girls'. It was not that bad, and it was quite a great opportunity to catch up with some people I do not see throughout the week at work. These were the first 2 parties I have been invited to since coming. When you grow old, you are not popular anymore. That deserves a post on its own. I was a popular kid. I may not regain all my young age confidence, but this is definitely progress towards trusting God more than men. Amen.
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