When You Can Tell the World How You Feel but Not Anyone Else

Yeah, I don't know how to describe how I feel really, except that my feelings are weighing heavily on one side compared to the other. I have a hard time describing how I feel generally anyway. Today I just feel overwhelmed by my trying. My constant trying to get to know 'new' people, and my natural tendency to make everyone my real friend. 

By midday I was almost at the brink of my limit for this season of my life. And by the end of my working day I was out. Now that I am in my room, I feel like crying. Hormones? I am pretty sure it is not. Of course there is no way to verify that except to take my blood for a lab test, but why would I do that unless I am crazy? Okay, that was totally random. 

10 months straight of constant change. Change of environment, of friends, of familiarity. I am absolutely tired and feel worn out. I am glad I have the room to myself now, and for about 2 more weeks before needing to share it again with someone. I feel tired explaining where I am at, and how I feel. I feel tired asking people how they are, and trying to think of something clever to say when they are done. I would like to be a dumbo, just to get out of the need to say something in any conversation.

I wish I don't need to make so much effort now, at this point of my life. The thought of starting life all over again somewhere and meeting new people is already tiring me out. Yes, these are my very selfish thoughts. It is all about me tonight. I know God is digging deep with me, and challenging me now especially because I do not want to be a part of anything. I just want to sulk and cry, and then go to bed. Maybe the pillow might change my tone for just another day.

Your grace is sufficient for me is taking a deep turn. I need to sort my feelings out. Or maybe not. I could just leave it there and let my feelings sink in and subside and then life moves forward. Or I could just wish for the weekend to quickly come again. Let it be Saturday again, and please give me a long weekend? Maybe I should get sick at some point this week and get an off day. Great plan.