I have always been harsh on myself, as far as I can remember. Although I've managed to stay 80% away from things or circumstances which may cause me to start self criticism again, that 20% still haunt me once in a blue moon. It's not easy when you have parents who are teachers and expect perfection, but I guess in many ways, that has brought me to where I am today.
One of the things that I have a hard time accepting about myself is that I'm not so much of a thinker. I know youths who have so much more than I do, and think and question about life a lot. The questions that they ask I know I cannot and do not know how to answer at all, largely due to the fact that I have never thought about them. I feel small when they ask questions like, "How would I know if you are not an illusion?" or "Why did God create human beings?" and many other similar questions which many of us may have in our hearts.
The answers I could offer usually does not satisfy their intellectual minds, obviously because I have never asked or maybe I have never probed any further because the only thing I did was just believe and trust what the Bible says. I have always wanted to be able to answer these questions, but never found the time and the need to search or study more about these post-modernity questions. Even if I did read more, my mind just isn't trained to remember the big words. LOL. Hence it made me feel even more inadequate intellectually because I cannot hold and and engage in 'serious' and 'smart' conversations.
Therefore the question of, "What's wrong with me?" occasionally made its way to me. It definitely affects me quite a bit and yet I choose to trudge on, always believing that God must have made me this way because He loves me no other way! Well, a couple of weeks back the same issue bugged me yet again after an attempted 'deep' discussion with cell members during supper.
Pondering over why I could not ask and answer the way some of these youths did, suddenly something ticked inside my heart. You know, God made everyone different and the fact that I don't ask these questions is perhaps a plus point for me because I never need to struggle in the way that they do, to find God real from tangible answers. He made me to be a person who has simple faith. Uncomplicated, and believing what the Bible says as true! It's not that I am an imbecile, it's just that when what happens resonates with the nature of God, then I take it as it is, period. It also doesn't mean that I don't ask these questions.
So it has been a journey for me to be at peace with that part of me these past few weeks. At the same time, I know that I do need to set aside some time in the near future to pursue knowledge on these issues which are going to be relevant for me if I stay in the youth ministry. Our youths are getting smarter, thanks to the media. :) And they do need answers the way that they are wired.
Blessed weekend! =)
same yet different,
gracey
One of the things that I have a hard time accepting about myself is that I'm not so much of a thinker. I know youths who have so much more than I do, and think and question about life a lot. The questions that they ask I know I cannot and do not know how to answer at all, largely due to the fact that I have never thought about them. I feel small when they ask questions like, "How would I know if you are not an illusion?" or "Why did God create human beings?" and many other similar questions which many of us may have in our hearts.
The answers I could offer usually does not satisfy their intellectual minds, obviously because I have never asked or maybe I have never probed any further because the only thing I did was just believe and trust what the Bible says. I have always wanted to be able to answer these questions, but never found the time and the need to search or study more about these post-modernity questions. Even if I did read more, my mind just isn't trained to remember the big words. LOL. Hence it made me feel even more inadequate intellectually because I cannot hold and and engage in 'serious' and 'smart' conversations.
Therefore the question of, "What's wrong with me?" occasionally made its way to me. It definitely affects me quite a bit and yet I choose to trudge on, always believing that God must have made me this way because He loves me no other way! Well, a couple of weeks back the same issue bugged me yet again after an attempted 'deep' discussion with cell members during supper.
Pondering over why I could not ask and answer the way some of these youths did, suddenly something ticked inside my heart. You know, God made everyone different and the fact that I don't ask these questions is perhaps a plus point for me because I never need to struggle in the way that they do, to find God real from tangible answers. He made me to be a person who has simple faith. Uncomplicated, and believing what the Bible says as true! It's not that I am an imbecile, it's just that when what happens resonates with the nature of God, then I take it as it is, period. It also doesn't mean that I don't ask these questions.
So it has been a journey for me to be at peace with that part of me these past few weeks. At the same time, I know that I do need to set aside some time in the near future to pursue knowledge on these issues which are going to be relevant for me if I stay in the youth ministry. Our youths are getting smarter, thanks to the media. :) And they do need answers the way that they are wired.
Blessed weekend! =)
same yet different,
gracey
5 comments:
I agree, you know. It is soooooo much easier if you can simply accept & not think or worry too much. Not that questioning is bad, but it can be self-inflicted mental torture. Sometimes there are just no answers or no satisfactory answers and we have no choice except to trust God.
It would be cool if everyone could just believe in Christianity just like how little kids believe(d) in magic, miracles, and santa.
Sometimes I wish it were that simple. Maybe it is.... lol
Irene: So true. Normally I don't want to think more also because it's such a torture to keep on thinking about it when I don't know where else to get my answers from except the Bible! :)
Ken: That's what God expects from us actually, to have simple faith like the little ones. I guess it is that simple, but it's just that we DON'T want to accept truths as simply as that. We want to probe more and more and more. Even then, we may still not accept the answers because they're not answers that we expect to be, so we end up not believing. In short, sinful nature acting up.
eh grace... kadang kadang... soalan itu adalah jawapannya sendiri :)
Soalan yang mana you talking about? Soalan yang people ask? True also, that sometimes the questions are in themselves, answers. :)
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