Reading my old posts tells me how much I have changed - especially in my writing style. I used to be more transparent. I have been hiding my feelings - ever since I started working.
I miss my old, and not so serious self. *tearing*
I miss being able to be sure, to know what to say other than God is good, and to dream. The other part of me died when I started working.
Nothing seems to keep me upbeat now, I have become sceptical, and often times, cynical. My confidence in self is in an all time low. I need fresh anointing, fresh air and hope. I need a place I can trust, I need to have support.
Sometimes I'm afraid I can't make it. My words have become empty.
I used to be very deliberate in building friendships and relationships - all because I knew God was using me in ways I cannot imagine. Now, I have lost all focus and inspiration to give to others. That's why I have become shy - selfish in other words.
I am bold, or rather, I was bold.
Father, fill my emptiness. In all the attempts to make it, I have missed something. I have missed You. Don't go away from me, keep me in Your dwelling. Keep my eyes on You, the person who holds my heart, and loves me dearly, for who I am and going to be. Thank you for lovingly holding me all the time, and helping me know myself better. Change the perceptions that needs to be changed - especially those not aligned to Your Word. Do a deep work O Lord, in this heart.
old times,
gracey
I miss my old, and not so serious self. *tearing*
I miss being able to be sure, to know what to say other than God is good, and to dream. The other part of me died when I started working.
Nothing seems to keep me upbeat now, I have become sceptical, and often times, cynical. My confidence in self is in an all time low. I need fresh anointing, fresh air and hope. I need a place I can trust, I need to have support.
Sometimes I'm afraid I can't make it. My words have become empty.
I used to be very deliberate in building friendships and relationships - all because I knew God was using me in ways I cannot imagine. Now, I have lost all focus and inspiration to give to others. That's why I have become shy - selfish in other words.
I am bold, or rather, I was bold.
Father, fill my emptiness. In all the attempts to make it, I have missed something. I have missed You. Don't go away from me, keep me in Your dwelling. Keep my eyes on You, the person who holds my heart, and loves me dearly, for who I am and going to be. Thank you for lovingly holding me all the time, and helping me know myself better. Change the perceptions that needs to be changed - especially those not aligned to Your Word. Do a deep work O Lord, in this heart.
old times,
gracey
5 comments:
not so serious? I always thought you were a serious person!
cynicism; been there, and its not good. Nice to have a wry chat about but you're doing the right thing by asking God for more.
And I don't think its wrong not to share things you're not comfortable about. Blogging is not a relationship, and even in relationships, sharing openly isn't easy.
Btw, met a friend of yours in the UK...Stephanie who's doing law. Had a nice chat about her visit to Sitiawan years ago.
Seems like a true test of personal reflection. People change, feelings change, attitudes change and outlook changes. What remains constant is change and whatever is left of the past can be used to help improve your future or just become another mantelpiece photo aging with time.
Don't worry its all part and parcel of growing up and seeing things from a different perspective. God seems to be moulding you in a way that might benefit you before you head to YWAM.
Jon: Haha...People in Sitiawan have not had the priviledge of knowing me better I suppose, except, maybe a handful. I'm less fun. Bleh. ;)
Mark: Don't like growing up. Now I sound like a little kid right? Haha..
Grace!!!! Stephanie here!!!
Was reminded by my meet with Jon recently to visit your blog! So here I am!
Don't tell me you don't remember me!
I heard from him that you are going to Aussie? What for???
Hi Steph. Such a small world. Heh..Why did he ask you to visit my blog? ;)
Going to Aussieland to to Youth with A Mission. Sending my application in on Thursday in fact. :)
How have you been?
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